"how to look after dad well or after anyone"
nº1 generosity
nº2 kindly speech
nº3 beneficial acts
nº 4 empathy
nº5 safeguarding
and probably thats the right order...although occasionally there is an urgency for safeguarding
generosity: be there for dad
kindly speech: well if its not obvious what kindly speech is not just kindly to das but also kindly about others particularly about family members who he cares about if you dont know how to do kindly speech or want to brush up on it then there is nothing better than freebuddhistaudio.com and the work of the triratna buddhist movement in order to get a real handle on the finer points of speech I dont always demonstrate them but I do know where to go to top up on how to do kindly speech and all nonviolent communication movement led by Marshall Rosenberg of course feeds that well although it has been shunned a little I would say by the mainstream triratna buddhist movement due to the way which a number of people, including myself, handle or demonstrate it. People feel uneasy with techniques of nonviolent communication particularly if they are done in a selfish way (“labeling) and they are not done with the true undying spirit of nonviolent communication the question is not only how do I get my needs met but how do we all get our needs met and our needs are universally the same so our strategies if they are going to be effective would be getting everyones needs met anyhow there is a lot to be said about kindly speech its a beautiful area to explore, a lifetime’s work to get that one sorted.
Thirdly I said beneficial acts so things that help dad or anyone shopping is an obvious one, sorting out the house helping him have clearer access to his papers, helping him use his diary stay on track, holding him by the arm or giving your arm to him so he can hold it when walking in the town, just company, helping him find things to use his time well, helping him stay awake when he wants to stay awake and helping him sleep when he wants to sleep, sorting out his food, now this becomes a bit difficult and this is when it becomes safeguarding is when his food is unsafe due to being out of date or not stored in the fridge or whatever or whatever it is that is of general great concern but to my dad is seen as an irrelevance, he doesn't realize how easy it is for some of us to succumb to food poisoning and how many great people died of simple food poisoning including the Buddha himself from whom some of this teachings come.
generosity first, kindly speech, beneficial acts and empathy
empathy is helping dad understand, or anyone, the dynamics of what needs someone is serving when they are acting in ways that are painful and recognizing the pains of old age, sickness and death in the face of a family that is not the family you thought you had or wanted to have because there is conflict and pain expressing itself in the family. so how do you help an old man live and eventually die when all he wants is peace and love between his family and thats not there in the way that he wants it nor is he happy to bring in others from outside who are expert, so to speak, in bringing that about because it is unfamiliar and nor is he good at evaluating the risks of being able of going into unfamiliar territory rather than have more and more pain from the family conflict not being resolved and a lack of family commitment to the mediation processes that would help people be heard. People want to be heard and they will go to more and more extreme measures if they are not heard. My brother who has arrived from the U.S. has threatened to quit his job because he is not being heard and yet, neither he nor my dad are calling the international ? of mediator that is freely available to our family that is Maria Arpa. mariaarpa.co.uk or centerforpeacefulsolutions.org anyhow I record this message as part of the instruction manual I am writing up on how to bestcare for an elderly relative. The most controversial area of care is financial prudence on behalf of a member of your family or all the members of your family. Amazing how interlinked money and love and fear are in the family in which I have grown up. On one level I am thankful for the lesson but on another level boy is it being painful.
So Merry christmas to all and keep taking your tablets.Actually keep questioning why you are taking the tablets I would say ...these were Aspirin so they are obviously tablets to take without much questioning if you have had a heart condition but what is it that you take and why do you take it?
Be well,
Paul
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